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Cowman Fred Burbage was champion five times running and he wasn’t about to relinquish his title to some up and coming pipsqueak. His legendary grip was all down to years of milking cows at 5am in the morning and 5pm at night, come rain, hale or shine.

Last year, to the rapturous applause of his mates, he beat his own record. He shot his load fully 27 feet across the saloon where it landed with a satisfying slap across the wall. In the cosy strictly men only saloon, everyone raised a creamy pint to Fred that night and hailed him a worthy winner, and master of all things masturbatory.

He was on the tenth and final cow of the night when in came trouble. Mrs Trowbridge, the farm owner. Five years widowed and frisky as a rabbit in spring time.

“Fred Burbage” she cried “What are you up to?”

Fred enjoyed an easy banter with his boss so he replied, “I’m getting some practice in for later this evening, mam, unless you’d care to oblige.” Fred raised himself from his stool indicating that if she wanted to finish off the last cow he could go and ready himself for his big night out. A night for which he practiced assiduously throughout the year, and abstained for five full days before the event.

But Mrs Trowbridge had other plans. “I’ve heard all about it Fred Burbage, and I want to see it in action!” she declared.

Fred blushed and replied “Whatever do you mean, mam?”

“Don’t play the innocent with me” she said, and before Fred could stop her she had her hand in his flies and pulled out his prize todger.

Within seconds she was milking it up and down with a practiced hand.

“No” cried Fred, trying to release her grip from his tormented tool, but Mrs Trowbridge knew a thing or two about milking too. “No” he cried “Noooo” Skilfully stepping to one side, Mrs Trowbridge pointed his todger towards the hay bale some 30 feet across the barn. Splat! It landed smack dab in the middle of the bale.

“Got to be at least 30 feet” she said. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”

“Oh Mrs T, you’ve ruined me for tonight!” wailed Fred. “I’ll never recover in time now.”

“Oh stop your moaning!” snapped Mrs Trowbridge, “Your blessed tournament’s been cancelled tonight due to heavy snow. It’s pushed back to next weekend.”

“Now” she continued unperturbed, “Let’s wait a couple of days and we’ll see if you can hit the barn door.”

When we sent Mr Harper, our representative, to inspect the product, he relayed to us this picture of the sinister looking factory where the Autoblow is assembled, somewhere deep in the Carpathian Mountains of Transylvania. The house behind the factory belongs to a shadowy ‘gentleman’ known only as Mr. Autoblow. As our Mr Harper’s missive to us confirms, he was to dine at the home of the ‘spectral’ Mr. Autoblow.

Monday October 31st

“It is rumoured that if in your heart you have a wicked yearning for your engorged member to be swallowed by the lustful hunger of this supremely seductive Autoblow machine and you whisper its name upon the wind, you will experience the ‘ecstatic exhilaration of a vampire’s kiss’ (minus the fangs I fancy!)

Amidst the beseeches of the Chinese concubines, so pallid yet so strangely alluring, whose task it is to assemble this pleasurable device, I decided for the sake of my researches that I must myself experience it. Just as I had come to this conclusion, I heard footsteps approaching behind the great door. At the sound of the rattling and clanking of keys, the concubines went hurriedly about their business. With a loud grating noise the great door swung back. Before me was the spectral figure of the man known as Mr. Autoblow. He does indeed inspire a sense of something…well…sinister.

Smiling thinly he declared, “Tonight Mr Harper, you will dine at my house with me.” He clicked his long claw-like fingers and three of the concubines approached. “When we have dined, these ladies will assist you in discovering the distractions and delights of our most excellent invention.”

I eagerly anticipate this evening yet I must also confess to a small shiver of ill boding.

We have not since heard from Mr Harper.

Pretend pussy

Not to be confused with a pocket pussy. This men masturbating technique costs nothing to achieve. Lie down on your side and grab your cock from the left side instead of the right (assuming you are right handed) Rotate your wrist so that your thumb is pointing down.  Brace your hand against your bed so it can’t move, and, with a little lube start to pump your hand as you would if you were humping. The sensation of pumping with your pelvis perfectly imitates the action of pumping pussy and you’ll reach a satisfying orgasm.

Champagne

With this men masturbating technique the champagne will fly. Hold the base of your cock firmly in an O shaped grip. With the other hand, use a circular motion starting about 1/3 of the way down your cock. Spiral your grip towards the top, giving extra attention to the head of the penis as your palm and fingers pass over it. When you’re about to orgasm, get both hands just underneath the tip and use strong circular motions as if you were trying to “pop” your cork. Lie back and celebrate a very satisfying men masturbating session.

Eskimo Joe

This men masturbating technique is perfect for when the heat is on. Masturbate in your usual way until you feel yourself about to come. Have some ice cubes ready, and as you are about to explode, grab the ice cubes. The sensation of hot cock and cold hand is exhilarating. You can also try this effect with crushed ice.

First there is the basic solo hand grip, perhaps the best known technique for all men masturbating regularly. This is the old faithful using the hand to grip the penis and rub up and down in a pumping action using some kind of lubrication to grease the tracks so to speak.

Then there’s the two hand grip (although for this you’re going to need a tool not unlike the handle of a tennis racket!) This male masturbating technique involves pumping the penis with both hands so all parts of the penis are pleasured simultaneously.

Here’s a hands-free men masturbating technique that doesn’t rely on your wrist action. Get some old pillows and hump the hell out of them, but remember to cover them with a towel which you can wash afterwards.

An alternative men masturbating technique to this is to get a simple plastic sandwich bag, apply some lube, and place it under a couple of pillows. You insert yourself in the plastic bag, adding as much pressure as needed from the pillows an pump the bag until you reach a satisfying climax.

It’s also interesting to experiment with simple procedures you may not have tried before. This could be as basic as using the hand you don’t usually use for you men masturbating session. Or put on a latex disposable glove, add a little non-oil based lube and enjoy the slippery sensations this male masturbating technique can quickly evoke.

These are just a few men masturbating techniques to get you started, but always remember, the part of your body that needs to work the hardest while masturbating is your ears – you need to listen out for someone coming aside from yourself!

Men masturbating more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Previous research has suggested that a high number of sexual partners or a high level of sexual activity increased a man’s risk of developing prostate cancer by up to 40%.

But the Australian researchers who carried out this study suggest the early work missed the protective effect of ejaculation because it focussed on sexual intercourse, with its associated risk of STIs. The researchers suggest that men masturbating regularly may prevent carcinogens accumulating in the prostate gland.  The prostate provides a fluid into semen during ejaculation that activates sperm and prevents them sticking together.

The fluid has high concentrations of substances including potassium, zinc, fructose and citric acid, which are drawn from the bloodstream. Dr Giles said fewer ejaculations may mean the carcinogens build up. “The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them.”

A similar connection has been found between breast cancer and breastfeeding, where lactating appeared to “flush out” carcinogens, reduce a woman’s risk of the disease, New Scientist reports.

Another theory put forward by the researchers is that men masturbating may induce prostate glands to mature fully, making them less susceptible to carcinogens.

“Masturbation is part of people’s sexual repertoire.

“If these findings hold up, then it’s perfectly reasonable that men masturbating should be actively should be encouraged to masturbate,” he said.